My husband’s youngest daughter is caught in perpetual conflict over her parents’ divorce. She doesn’t point her anger toward me in the least. On the contrary, she and I have a very pleasant relationship and I am fond of her. However, what my husband has experienced is a cyclic trend where she will grow very despondent and upset. The other night, on her birthday, the evening ended in tears and accusations of abandonment. She desperately wished to go home to her mother. But no more than 2 weeks later, she grew sad and tearful when she was brought back home after spending a weekend with him. She said she didn’t want to go home but wanted to stay with him. She cried all night long, calling her father, while her mother and sister were unable to console her. She is 12 years old now and her parents have been separated/divorced since she was 8. What can we do to help her overcome her distress?
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In the roller coaster that is my husband’s relationship with his ex, fondly known as BQ, it still confounds me how yo-yo like it can be. Everything my husband says or does is open for attack – even the best of intentions. More recently, he had offered to help with transportation of the children for their after school activities. He works, so this is an offer that is clearly inconvenient to him but he wanted to be able to help out. So, he offered to take them back to their home after they are done with their activities. While she happily accepted this offer in the beginning, it is now a full blown commitment and if he even expresses that he has a conflict, the whole world explodes. And, on top of that, she is caustic about why he cannot support both ways – when he had obviously set it up that he can’t get out of work that early. And given that she is a part-time teacher, it would obviously be more convenient for her to handle the drop off. So the question I have is, how in the world does one get out of this endless cycle of hatred? Is she ever going to get over it?
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What thoughts go through a woman’s head when she is faced with an extremely powerful attraction to a married man? Should she walk away? …can she? Are we capable of doing this “simple” act? But it’s not simple is it? Personally, it’s too powerful, too heart wrenching – like tearing out a piece of what has become an undeniable part of you. Pushing him away doesn’t work either if he doesn’t want to go. You can only say so many times, “Go back and fix what is broken”. This isn’t just a one-way relationship that is all in the control of the other woman. Both parties control the path a relationship takes, and both have to be willing to walk away.
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Wives are just as responsible when a man looks for emotional and physical fulfillment with another woman. I know this will sound threatening and very wrong to many wives who read this but the simple fact remains that it takes two (yes TWO) to make relationship work. You never stop working on a relationship after you get married. You can’t simply check marriage off your to-do list and go back to life’s routines and stresses, focus on raising a family and make kids the center of your lives without expecting to suffer the consequences of a deteriorated relationship. More than ever it requires working on the relationship EVERYDAY. To continue to fulfill the promise you made to each other, to value each other above ALL else. If the marriage suffers due to lack of effort, you shouldn’t be surprised – start by looking inward and not with finding someone else to blame.
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Children can be incredibly resilient provided adults behave as adults. In a divorce, what’s the norm? Insane, crazed parents hell-bent on annihilating each other OR mature, sensitive parents who understand that when it’s over it’s over and all they should focus on is protecting their children the fallout. Why can’t it always be the latter case? Why is the norm the frothy mouthed soon-to-be-ex wife focused on vengeance at all cost – at the cost to herself, her credibility and even her own children? Since her marriage is crumbling, she wants to act out and ensure that everything else crumbles. If she can’t be happy, then no one else can be. If she can’t have what she wants, then no one else can. He will be punished. And if the only way to punish him is through the kids, then so be it. You know who I’m talking about D, bravo to you.
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